Tag: happiness

Anniversary of My Suicide Attempt

by Kristen Hall
The semicolon project: my life could have stopped, but I continued on.

Exactly seventeen years ago, I attempted to take my own life. I don’t talk about it much because I don’t like to remember that day or the events after it. In actuality, I think part of my psyche has blocked it from my memory because I only remember bits and pieces.

I was thirteen. I remember the pain I felt; deep, intense, hopeless. I felt alone. Yet, when I went into the inpatient/outpatient programs, everyone just looked at me and said “You don’t belong here.” It wasn’t out of malice, even though it may sound like it. All the other teenagers around me had severely broken childhoods and families that really did not give a damn. And there I was – with two parents who loved me and who tried to give me the best life possible. It pains me to think of it because the guilt I felt was tremendous. “I didn’t deserve to feel pain”, I thought.

But the truth? Everyone is entitled to their emotions. We cannot compare circumstances. It does no good and it does not solve the problem.

While I did not have a broken family, I had a severe chemical imbalance – most of which I contribute to getting my menstrual cycle early. My body was developing fast, but my surroundings were not and my brain was still one of a thirteen-year-old. I would get conflicted as to how I should be feeling and what I actually was feeling.

In addition, the meds I was put on for my depression and anxiety were not handled properly. The doctor started me off on a high dose and then did not monitor it. My parents did not know any better. After all, they trusted the doctor.

To this day, I remember my dad’s face when he found out I overdosed on pain medication. I stayed home that day because I needed a mental break from school. I felt so alone with my feelings that I just broke – I grabbed the bottle without thinking and continued to shove the pills down my throat. My dad knew I did something. He kept asking, “What did you do? What did you do?” I don’t remember what tipped him off honestly, but he knew. I was honest. Then he called 911.

The cops showed up with an ambulance. I was so scared. I was crying. “I’m fine! I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. Please don’t take me away.” I just wanted them to go away.

Once at the hospital, they pumped my stomach full of charcoal. I met with some doctors who I tried to convince “I WAS FINE”. But since I had made an attempt, I had to be inpatient for a couple days.

Those days were filled with the scariest moments I had seen yet being only thirteen. I was trying to understand my emotions, while also be frightened into seeing the worst of the worst situations. To give you an idea – someone smashed their head through a glass panel on a door in an attempt to end their life.

I wouldn’t understand this experience until much later in life. I never wanted to end my life. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to understand my feelings and how to feel better.

Since I refused to deal with it, those emotions just fostered into an eating disorder three years later. I used food as a cop out to control the emotions I felt were out of control.

Now almost two decades later, I have completely done a 180. I’m so glad I failed that day because I had so much to accomplish that God was planning for me. I look at my struggles with mental health as a time that made me stronger and more understanding. I am now able to help others with my story and encourage them to keep fighting. It is no walk in the park; it takes time, dedication, continual therapy, and patience. BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT. I truly believe we were each created for something special. Sometimes it takes others longer to find it and that’s okay. We each bloom at our own time.

When you feel at your lowest, remember me as an example to keep fighting. You have no idea what God has in store for you and who’s life you will one day impact. I’m in your corner.

If you or something you know is suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Help is available.

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #depression #selfcare #selflove #mentalillness #love #therapy #health #wellness #mentalhealthmatters #motivation #mindfulness #recovery #healing #ptsd #fitness #psychology #bipolar #wellbeing #life #loveyourself #inspiration #meditation #positivevibes #happiness #trauma #support #bhfyp

Mindset – Ready, Set, GO!

by Kristen Hall

“The biggest disability is a bad mindset.”

Nick Santonastasso

The world is full of negative people. In your lifetime, you will come across many people who will tell you that you can’t do something or that your vision is too big. Many of us get discouraged and then tell ourselves that we are incapable of achieving our dream.

I’m here to tell you – GET THAT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. You will be amazed how many opportunities were missed because you told yourself you can’t.

The excuses and mindset blocks keep you from your potential. The only thing you actually need is a desire and indestructible will to get rid of any self-doubt or untrue belief keeping you stuck.

We constantly create our outer world with our inner thoughts without even realizing it. But you can change that.

First, you need to align yourself with a positive outer world who supports your dreams and encourages you to be your best self. Just a fun fact to consider: the five people you hang around the most are what you become. So, if you hang around with people who drain and deplete you, your outer world is going to continue to suffer. If you are not happy at your job, change it. If you aren’t happy in your relationship, change it. Refuse to stay stuck because it will affect your mindset and how you move forward.

Next, start saying positive things to yourself. Consistency is the key. Once you repeat it enough times, you will start to believe it. Try saying these positive affirmations below everyday and let yourself sit with it. Then see the difference it begins to make.

Affirmations work, Affirmations, Success affirmations, Self love affirmations, Love affirmations, Manifestation affirmations - Learn how to speed up your manifestations using the power of positive thi - #Affirmationswork

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The Untold Story: My Battle With Depression, Body Image, and Food

by Kristen Hall

“Real hope combined with real action has always pulled me through difficult times. Real hope combined with doing nothing has never pulled me through.”

― Jenni Schaefer, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life

This is a story that almost came to an end many times over the last two decades. The person that you are looking at to your left has battled disordered eating since she was thirteen years old. What started out as trying to lose a few pounds turned into a full blown eating disorder by the time she was sixteen. There were many tears, doctor visits, breakdowns, and therapy sessions — BUT this is no longer a tragic story anymore and it is time to share it. While it is a long story, I hope you bare with me and follow along. It is important to know the different phases of my life to understand where it lead.

I had an amazing childhood, one that others dream of. I grew up with a brother (who was close in age) and had two amazing parents who would have given their lives to make sure ours were perfect.

Everything was pretty normal up until the time I was ten years old. The month after I turned the “double digits”, I got my first menstrual cycle. It wasn’t a big deal at first. I was now officially part of womanhood! Or at least that’s what my mom told me. It wasn’t until my body started changing faster than those around me that it really started to affect me. I was a fourth grader, who was 5’3 with growing boobs and hips – while the other girls in my grade were flat chested and didn’t have to worry about wearing a bra. To give you a gist of how embarrassing it was, other girls would snap my bra straps to make notice of my growing change.

I also noticed that, not only was I physically more mature, I was maturing mentally faster as well. It began to feel like there was no where I fit in.

Then fifth grade came – the year that changed everything. I had my first heartbreak. And while that seems absolutely silly now, it really tore me up mentally at the time because it was just another thing I found “wrong” with me.

I began to separate from all my friends. As seventh grade came, I would hide in the bathrooms in the mornings and cry because I felt so alone. No one seemed to even notice.

I finally broke down to my dad that I needed help. I was so sad, and I felt so bad about it because at the time I could not put the pieces together. He and my mom made a psychiatrist appointment and I was put on my first antidepressant. Except, the psychiatrist was not a very good one – he started me out on a high dose of Effexor, which as a 13-year-old was way too much for my body.

It was a January day in 2003, I told my dad I needed a mental day from school. I ended up grabbing a hand full of Aleve and shoving it down my throat. I didn’t want to live anymore; I felt so alone. Long story short, I spent some time in the hospital, got taken off Effexor, and was put on about twenty different meds in the course of the next three years to try to help my depression.

In those three years, the meds caused me to gain a lot of weight. I began feeling even worse about myself. To try to lose some of the weight I gained, I began doing pilates everyday; nothing obsessive just enough to combat the weight gain.

The pilates worked and I had lost most of the weight I gained. As a result, I was starting to get comments about how good I looked. That was the most damaging thing anyone could have said to me. Why? Because it told me that I was noticed when I was thinner.

This is when I began to restrict what I ate. By the time I was a junior, I would go to the library everyday during lunch so I wouldn’t have to be around food. I wouldn’t eat in the morning and would play around with my food at night so my parents wouldn’t notice something was wrong. That routine only worked for so long. Once I hit a certain weight, they knew something was wrong.

There were many fights at the dinner table. Many tears, and quite a bit of yelling. “Why can’t you just eat?” I don’t know, why couldn’t I just eat? The truth? it wasn’t about food anymore – it was about control.

When everything felt out of control, I knew the one thing I could control was what I put in my mouth. And I wasn’t giving in.

I ended up inpatient at Renfew in Philadelphia and then continued outpatient treatment for months after.

It was now my senior year of High School. As it was coming to a close, I chose a college close to me so that I could continue the treatment I needed for my eating disorder. However come August of that year (a month before school was supposed to start), I was at my lowest weight ever and the doctor now wanted me to go back inpatient. I made the choice to go to school. I wasn’t going to lose that too.

Once in college, I began to gain a little of the weight back. I found an amazing college counselor and attended eating disorder groups fairly frequently. I thought I finally had it under control.

Then 1.5 years later, my dad passed away. I did the only thing I knew how – restrict. A couple months later, I was back in the hospital. I had contracted MRSA and the bacteria quickly moved into my bloodstream. While in the hospital, they did a bunch of bloodwork finding my iron and potassium levels extremely low. The doctor turned to me and said “If you don’t start changing your life, you are going to die.”

Over the next ten years, I have fought to have a better relationship with food. Just like a recovering alcoholic, you can consider yourself recovered and still have thoughts that you know aren’t healthy or beneficial.

More about my nutritional journey will be in another post – but for now, I want to share my biggest take away. Food is not the enemy. Negative thoughts were and continue to be the enemy. When I didn’t eat, I allowed the negative thoughts to tell me I was empowered. And when I did choose to eat, I wasn’t eating to feed my body and to nourish myself. I was eating to fill a hole inside of me created by those negative thoughts. That hole can only be filled with self-love and affirmations.

If you struggle with an eating disorder or disordered eating, I encourage you to fight those negative thoughts and challenge yourself to see what is really going on behind the self-destructive behavior. I needed to love myself and know I am exactly who God made me to be. I needed to find my inner strength and purpose.

The secret to beating an eating disorder, or any addiction for that matter, is the desire – the desire to find something BIGGER and more IMPORTANT than your self-destructive behaviors. Because, yes…while these behaviors become our outlet and our “friend”, it takes more than it gives and ultimately it can take your life.

You are so much more than what your mind is telling you. Recovery is possible and life is waiting for you. xoxo

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Healthy Habits to Improve Your Life

by Kristen Hall

It takes 21 days to create a habit, and 90 days to create a lifestyle.

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You know you are unhappy. Now what?

First off, you are not alone. I have been there. There is nothing wrong with feeling hopeless. It is a human emotion that is much more common than others let on. The key is not to stay there. It can be crippling to continue to think nothing will change and that you are “stuck”. The longer you are there, the longer it will take you to get out of it.

My suggestion? Start with little changes and stick with them no matter how impossible it might feel some days. You may not think these habits are not making a difference but keep this fact in your head – it takes 21 days to create a habit, and 90 days to create a lifestyle. It takes time. You have to retrain your brain to see the positive.

I have listed 20 healthy habits below that seem subtle and perhaps pointless, but can make a huge difference over time. I challenge you to begin mastering a few of these habits and see how your life transforms.

  1. Practice gratitude. Perhaps start a gratitude journal and add to it before you go to bed?
  2. Value your alone time. Use this time to recharge. Meditate.
  3. Make time for your loved ones. Let them be your support in times of need.
  4. Prioritize self-care.
  5. Learn from your failures and do not be afraid of failing.
  6. Write out your goals, post it somewhere visible to you, and make little steps toward them daily.
  7. Read self-help books or daily devotions.
  8. Drink more water. Ideally you should be drinking half your body weight.
  9. Be active for at least 30 minutes a day.
  10. Communicate. You need something? Ask!
  11. Declutter the space around you. Believe it or not, an organized room can actually do a lot for one’s psyche because it is something you can control in a healthy way.
  12. Get enough sleep (7-9 hours ideally). You will be amazed how much better you feel when your body is rested. Remember, this is your body’s healing time.
  13. Journal – get those feelings out.
  14. Eat real food. When you get the right food in your body, you will be amazed how much better you feel.
  15. Make it a routine to take a break from social media. The “perfect” life portrayed on social media is so far from the truth. It can be damaging to think you have to achieve such an unrealistic goal.
  16. Learn to forgive.
  17. Practice daily affirmations.
  18. Belly laugh often! It is shown to enhance a person’s mood.
  19. Be in direct sunlight as often as possible. Lack of Vitamin D alone can make you depressed. Enjoy time outdoors when the weather permits.
  20. Practice non-judgement listening

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